I cannot stop thinking of you.
I cannot stop thinking of all the wonderful times we ever spent together, short, but there they are playing and replaying in my mind.
I cannot stop trying to convince myself that I cannot hold you in my arms anymore.
I cannot stop telling myself that you won’t be by my side again when I wake up.
I cannot stop replaying the scene when you took one last wave at me, sobbing, as I disappeared through the departure hall.
And I cannot stop replaying the guilt, as I took one final turn away from you as I walked away to chase my dreams.
And this is what I do every night here before I sleep. Thinking of you.
I miss everything about you. You would laugh at every silly thing I did, slap me for no apparent reason while laughing, get angry for 2 seconds before putting back a smile and the occasional laughter. And I miss how disgusting or annoying you would be in front of me, and for that I would give you a slap on the face or the thigh playfully before apologizing until you would talk to me. Then we would laugh it off.
And then almost every morning, I would wake up in excitement because I knew exactly what I was going to do on that day.......to spend the rest of it with you. I would map out my routine path to your campus in my mind and leave 2 hours early even though I only always needed much less time than that to travel. But I did, because I wanted to wait for you and all I ever looked forward to was that big smile you had when you come out of class seeing me right there waiting for you.
You would come out complaining about the boring day you had, I would complain about the rubbish I had to take on the way to your campus. Then we would complain about each other because none of us planned what to do on that day. And still at the end of the day, we would feel like it was the best day we spent together. Then at night, we would tell each other how much we miss one another even though it has been only a few hours.
And whenever we were in your car, I would fight with you over the radio even though I know I would lose out. I still did, because I loved how adorable you looked when you whine and scold me as I insisted to change the song. And I just had to warn you endlessly about driving carefully, just for the fun of it.
As I am typing this post I am smiling because I am reminiscing those little little moments that made our relationship such a happy one.
But its not the same smile anymore, because here we are torn apart by distance :’(. I am listening to the CD you gave me on the night before I left and I cry every time I listen to it. I just cannot get you out of my mind.
And it is so difficult, because my mind keeps replaying the scene at the airport, the night before I left, and the morning that I left. I held your hand tightly in the airport, because we were nearing the time to let go of each other. I just didn’t know how to let go. The last hug we had is the strongest memory I have of us, because that made us cry uncontrollably. Releasing myself from that hug and eventually my hand from your hand was the most difficult moment we ever had together.
Walking away from you through that departure gate.
I wish I could tell you that I would come back to you after 5 years, but I hate breaking my promises as 5 years is a lot of time. And here we are separated by so much distance. I will always remember the two pacts that we made. And I dare tell you that,
Maybe my love will come back some day,
Only heaven knows. And if you ever return, then I’ll know you are mine. But only heaven knows.
But I cannot stop thinking of you. And I hate sleeping because I always dream of you and wake up to this reality. I am really thankful that I got the window seat in the airplane, because I started sobbing when the plane aligned itself on the runway track for take off. And I was uncontrollable as the plane gained speed and finally lifted itself. No one saw me crying because I only looked out through the window hoping that maybe somewhere, I would see you. How ridiculous of me.
I miss you. I know I’m lucky, but what is it without you here. Some day, I would move on. Or would I? I cannot promise myself this, just as I cannot promise you that I would come back after 5 years. And I dread the day that we both would have forgotten each other. Again, there are no promises that we can make :’(
But for now, here I am playing our wonderful times together again and again, but only in my mind. I wish this didn’t have to happen because for now, I just don’t know how to let go of you. How could I possibly let go of this feeling?
Every couple that I see here in Australia reminds me of us. And every moment I have to myself is spent thinking of you. I could barely stand this loneliness. And I feel this emptiness all around me trapped, as if its way out is lost just as my heart is.
That is because my heart is still holding on to you. Still watching over you, knowing it would have to move on, but hoping in 5 years it would come back. For now, I know surely that this loneliness and emptiness is because I miss you, and because my heart simply has not followed me here.
I love you, Denise Leom. And I am sorry this had to happen, but I love you.
And I swear I won’t forget you.
Maybe, just maybe, my love will come back.
But for now, its as strong as ever :'(
How do I let go? Only time would tell :'( :'( :'(
Love,
Manwyn.
0 comments:
Post a Comment